Family Recreation

We all want to be happy and have a happy family life and we have been told we can do this by making sure our family spends time together by doing wholesome family recreational activities. What does recreation mean? According to Wikipedia it means "an activity of leisure" Which to me means your free time. It also says "Recreational activities are often done for enjoyment, amusement and pleasure and are considered fun!"  One of my favorite talks about what we should consider when thinking about how we spend our time is Good, Better, Best by Elder Dallin Oaks. He talks about we need to prioritize how we spend our time.... while most of the ways we spent our time is probably "good" ..but could it be "better?" And more importantly is is the very best way to spend with our children so we enjoy time with each other and build those relationships and teach them to love each other and our Heavenly Father?


Orthner and Mancini (1990) describe three forms of leisure:

Parallel Leisure- involves multiple members of the family doing the same thing but not interacting much. Some examples of this would be watching TV or going to the movies or playing video games.

Joint Leisure- this is where there is an high level of communication and interdependence. Some of these activities would be sports, playing board games or doing something physical outdoors.

Independent Leisure- Activities that are mostly done alone. Examples would be running or golfing... doing something that doesn't interest or involve any one other then you.

Can you put these types of leisure in order of Good, Better and Best? 

Independent...... Parallel...... and Joint! 

Independent activities are good but when they take you away too much from other members of your family that is when it stops being "Good."

Parallel activities are better because it is at least involving other members of your family as well. But it is not the "Best" because there is not much communication that is happening in these types of activities and team building.

Joint activities are the ones that require communication and cooperation.. teamwork and problem solving skill building activities. This is the BEST because it strengthens the family relationship the most and helps each individual grow as well. 

Some people may argue that their family gets along better when they do parallel activities and at least they are still together... true but when there is conflict, there is also a learning opportunity as well. When you continue and encourage your family to be involved in joint activities you can help model to your children the best way to resolve conflict and solve those problems in a healthy matter.

These are the best way that relationships can grow and improve.

        Wholesome Activities with kids mean .....TIME!!

                                                      and makes your children 
                       SECURE in with your LOVE for ALL of them.

And they will KNOW they can RUN to you for ALL their 

PROBLEMS!!

Family Work

A family that works together.....stays together! Families who work together learn how to serve and how to think about others needs not just their own. It helps us be more like Christ when we are less selfish and giving to others.

 How do we go about teaching our family members to work together efficiently and kindly? We need to focus on the end purpose of the task at hand. It is to have a spotless house and all the chores done without complaints or is it to be teaching our children to work together and love and want to serve each other. We need to make sure we are spending time working along side our children. I am often tempted to just to a task myself because it is quicker and easier not to hear the moans and groans BUT I am missing out on some quality time I could be having with one of my children ... a teaching moment I am letting pass by. Some things I think that would help your children be more willing to help is when you start working together at a young age. Here is a link that lists chores for children as well as what ages are appropriate for each chore...CHORES/KIDS
Children need to know that they are an important part of the family unit and they need to pitch in.

I have tried several different things to encourage my family and children to help me with the household chores. I have tried stickers, marbles in a jar, points system, drawing chores out of a hat... you name it. I have tried it but the one thing I have found to work the best is when we all work together. When we put on music and set a timer (This way they know the cleaning will eventually end) and all work on an area together. I will try and focus on a different child and teach them with a little more instruction in how I would like the job to be done. I am also grateful for a husband who works hard and is still willing to help fold laundry or vacuum if needed. I love that this is teaching my boys how dads act and my girls want to expect in their husband too.

Family Work can be a blessing. When my dad was growing up, his brothers and my grandfather would go lay brick everyday. It was hard work and they all did it together to make ends meet. It made them very close as siblings because they worked so closely and LONG together while they were growing up. It also taught them how to know how to work very hard.

When I was growing up in Washington State, my dad started a lawn mowing business with my three older brothers. He did this for two reasons. One, to earn money for the boys missions and TWO, to teach them to be hard workers. They continued mowing lawns while my oldest brother left on his mission to Japan. My two other brother worked and helped pay to keep him out on his mission. When my next brother left, my youngest brother was left to mow all by himself, he was 16 and determined.. so he enlisted me and my older sister to help him. We were only 14, and 12 and we weren't as strong or fast as my other brothers but we worked hard and continued mowing lawns for our brother when he left to go on his mission. This was one of the hardest experiences of my childhood. We had to mow lawns after school every day until it was dark. We had to mow lawns all day Saturday's. It was a full time commitment but it was also the greatest blessing to our family. All of us grew up very close and to be hard workers.

Parenting with Love and Logic

Parenting with love and logic sounds easy right? I can love my kids and I am definitely a logically person so this should not be a hard thing for me but it is.

We receive these innocence babies from heaven that end up turning into these giant, grumpy, smelly teenagers. We are mainly held responsible in how these little people turn out.

Are they respectful, are they compassion, are they kind? Each one of these children come to earth with distinct different  personalities. President James E. Faust said " Child rearing is so individualistic. Every Child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another."
This is so true. I have four children all with different personalities. I have two that are more high strung and very quickly to freak out and show their temper. It is almost impossible to reason with them when they reach that level of frustration. They are so challenging and exhausting and they take after me. I was like that as a child. I could remember freaking out over something small and later being embarrassed but not sure how to apologize. I often have to remind myself of this and try to be patient and forgiving because I know if I am not angry and as stern at them, then it is easier for them to come and apologize after they settle down and realize they overreacted. My other two are very laid back and easy going. When they get angry or cry, I pay attention because I know something is wrong, really wrong because it takes a lot to get them upset. It is also very easy to overlook them because they require so much less attention then my other two. I have to try hard to make them have an opinion and speak up, which is the exact opposite then the other two. I have to remind them to think of others and be less opinionated and selfish. I am constantly juggling the two versions of parenting between my kids.

In the Proclamation it says we need to rear children in love and righteousness... how do we achieve this in our homes .. we need to have-


Love, warmth, and support

Clear and Reasonable expectations for competent behavior

Limit and boundaries with some room for negotiation and 
compromise

Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits

Opportunistic to perform competently and make choices 

Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming and inflicting guilt

Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values and positive attitudes.

There are 3 different types of Parenting Styles that people usually identify with they are-



Coercive parenting- parents that demean and force good behavior from their children

Permissive parenting- let their children set the tone in the home... and run free

Authoritative parenting- looks for a positive relationship with children and set limits and shows love freely.

Parenting in the Gospel

Raising a good, well respected, hardworking and responsible child is a hard thing to do in the world we live in. We are all so distracted with worldly things and activities that seem so important. Whenever I get overwhelmed with it all, I have to put things back in perspective and think about what this season of my life is really about. I am in the middle of raising teenagers, preteens and a 6 year old. Sometimes my head feels a little bit like exploding. I am so busy trying to survive that I forget to break it down to the basics of what really matter and that are important. Which are my husband and I are raising a strong, tight knit family that is strong in the gospel and know and love our Heavenly Father and Savior. How do we do this... parent with gospel principles. Well, in the Proclamation Heavenly Father doesn't sugar coat what he expects out of us as parents, He expects us to teach and guide his children and if we don't... we will be held accountable. When I was thinking about this post and reading and gathering ideas, I came across this talk HERE. 

Elder Bradley D. Foster starts his talk by saying " It is never too early and it's never too late to lead, guide, and walk beside our children, because families are forever. He talks about how we are engaged in a battle with the world because the world is trying to define who and how are children believe and we need to win the battle and teach our children about the gospel and they are children of God.

Another talk that I really enjoyed was HERE.. by Elder David Bednar called "More Diligent and Concerned at Home." He talks about the way to ensure you can have the Holy Ghost in your home and to be teaching your children gospel principles.

 First-Express Love and Show it to our children and spouses. He says " We need to say it, we need to mean it and most importantly show it.
I think that this is an easy thing to do when your children are small. They are so cute and lovable and constantly climbing all over you or in your lap. You don't have to think about it, it's natural to squeeze and hug them and tell them how much you love them! It is a lot harder when they are teenagers who you have to drag out of their rooms and away from their electronic devices and constantly talk to you in a tone that screams "You are so dumb MOM! And I know EVERYTHING!" It is harder to walk over and hug and tell them that you love them. This is something I am making a big effort with my oldest son and daughter. They are honestly hard to love right now... I do OF COURSE but it is hard. I try and go physically HUG them everyday before school and tell them that I love them! They don't always act pleased that I do this but hopefully they are inside. I am also trying to show my love to them and other members of our family by being a good example of how to show that love... by helping them with dishes, or taking their pile of laundry upstairs for them or remembering them in our family prayers when they have a test or aren't feeling well...hoping showing them that they are not forgotten and loved.

Second-Bear testimony and live it. "He says that such a testimony fortifies faith and provides direction." Our Children have to know and hear our testimonies of the gospel. This I know. They need to see that strength and commitment in our lives. It will give them faith in the gospel and lend them our light until they have their own testimony of their own. I don't know what I would have done growing up if my parent's were not strong in the gospel. I think that would have my ticket for all sorts of rebellion but I knew what they believed and I knew what was right and wrong! I also knew what was expected and how disappointed they would be if I didn't follow that direction. I am so grateful for that especially as an adult now and can see all the hidden danger I bypassed as a teenager because of keeping the commandments and being close with my family in the gospel. I want that for my children and I try every day to show them what is right and how much I love the gospel and how true it is.

Third- Be Consistent in FHE, scripture study and prayers.. this is building the foundation of the gospel in your children's lives. The more consistent we are the stronger their's will be. This is a hard one for me. I do pretty well and then start slacking off. I liked how Elder Bednar talks about no matter how chaotic it seems or pointless at times, we are still making a mark and building up that foundation for our children to take with them when they leave our homes. This was a good reminder for me.
The world tried to tell us we don't have any control on our children and we should let them be their selves and they will grow up how they will grow up but that is not true. Heavenly Father has given us the chance to lead and guide our children. No matter how hard it seems, we can have an effect and an impact on who these tiny people turn out to be and have the responsibility to get them back home to their loving Heavenly Father.

Child bearing

It is a commandment that Heavenly Father gave to Adam and Eve to "Multiply and Replenish the Earth!" We are also told to do the same. I grew up in a family of seven children. I had three brothers and three sisters. My father grew up with 12 siblings. I have so many cousins on his side I don't even know. My grandma had over 90 grandchildren when she died at 85 years old. That is quite a posterity. My dad only has 24 grandchildren and there won't be anymore. All seven of his children are done having children. What a difference a generation makes. Studies show that families all around the world are choosing to have smaller families or even choosing to have no children at all. Why is this happening...some reasons are listed-

1. Decreasing economic value of Children- in the past generation infant moralities rates were higher, as well as childhood disease and poverty. In rural areas the more children you had the more help you had with farming and raising livestock. Now children tend to cost more then they help provide for a family.

2. Fear of Over Population- the world has tried to change our view with threatening limited resources for our upcoming generations.

3. Government Pressure- China and India the government has gotten involved in telling people how many children a family can have, in order to control the population. This has been an awful thing since this puts pressure on the family to only have one baby but most are determined to have a boy. Abortions are performed so frequently that in India is now against the law to find out the sex of the baby before the birth. The amount of boys vs. girls in these countries will cause problems in coming generations with not enough women to marry and have children.

4. More are choosing to remain childless- many women are choosing to not get married or have
children.

5. Widespread contraceptive use- This is the biggest factor on smaller families. Birth control has become more reliable and accessibly to many.

There are many social and economical problems this new trend will cause for future generations. We are blessed when we keep the commandments, this I know but when I think of the reasons my dad only has 24 grandchildren, the reasons behind that is not any of the ones listed above. For the majority of the decision to stop having children at 4-5 children in my family was a mental health factor or physical one. My siblings..

Brad- they have 4 children. My brother is often away for business and my sister-n-law felt 4 children was all she could mentally handle while doing the majority of the child- rearing alone.

Vicki- She was in her 30's when she got married and only has 2 children. She would have liked to have more but age and several miscarriages were a factor in not having more.

Brian- Has only 2 children due to infertility problems, would have loved to have more but left that up to the Lord.

Blake- Has 3 children, had a 24 week premature baby and fertility help to get the other 2. Would have loved to have more but again left that up to the Lord to send them.

Becky- She is the one with the most children with 5. She works full-time as a teacher and age prevents her from having more.

ME- I have 4 children, which I had all c-section. I was told to not have anymore but both my husband and I were okay with that because we felt complete and SANE still with our 4 kids.

Kim- has 4  children and health problems that also made them make the decision for them to stop as
well.

I do think that we need to council with our Heavenly Father about the decision to stop having children. This is something I wish I could say my husband and I did but we didn't. It was a decision made medically for us. Although while I was pregnant with my last I did ask Heavenly Father to send twins if there were any more since I knew that most likely it would be my last pregnancy. But I am not sure that counts.

Sex and Fertility

Let's talk about sex first.. it often is considered a three lettered word that gets spelled out to protect innocent ears.  Why? Sex is a good thing and a wonderful thing that can be shared between a husband and a wife. I think one of the main reasons that S-E-X is not something we talk about to everyone openly about is the sacredness of it. The LDS church view on martial sexual intimacy is becoming one. Elder Holland said "That sexual union is a welding in matrimony a physical blending symbolic of a larger more complete union of eternal purpose and promise a symbol of total union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future and their everything.
This doesn't just sound like the physical act of S-E-X. Satan and our world have cheapened the idea of actually getting any thing else out of sex but satisfaction. The term "SEX sells" is sadly true. One of the things I hate is how women are plastered everywhere in magazines and in commercials wearing very little clothes and are overly sexualized. Especially as a mother of a now 16 year old boy. I don't want him to see women that way or my 14 year old daughter who thinks she needs to look like that and dress like that to get a boys attention. No thanks! What can we do to prevent this is our families? How can we make sure we all can keep a healthy and and an appropriate God- Centered view of sexual relations?

1. Talk about it! I know this is hard but it is so important to keep the topic on the table and not let it turn taboo with your children. I want my kids to ASK ME any questions that they have or have been misinformed about by their peers. I don't want them to feel like they have to look elsewhere for those answers. I want them to know sex is okay and even wonderful INSIDE of marriage. I want them to know I waited and they can too. When you talk about it include Heavenly Father and church principles, and explain how much happier following God's plan makes you.

2. Dress- this is mainly for girls, sexist but true. Since my girls have been babies I have been very conservative of what they wear. I am not talking the Duggars or making them dress like pioneers but just teaching them to be modest since they were babies. I have not let them wear bikinis or sleeveless dresses or shirts. This has been a hard thing to do in Arizona where it is always so hot but I always just put a white shirt underneath those cute sundresses and found the cute one piece swimsuit. I think in doing this I have won the fight (so far anyways) with my girls now that they are going through puberty and have something to show in those spaghetti strap tank tops or bikinis. They don't feel comfortable NOT wearing something underneath because they have always been covered. I try and reinforce positive body image with them as much as possible too. I have always been cautious to use words like "healthy" instead of fat, diet or wanting to be skinnier. I want my girls to be proud of their bodies and know why we have to have hips and chests and how that helps get our bodies ready to be a mother someday.

3. Limit WORLDLY images and movies in our homes- We can't control what the world does or how they advertise but we can control what we allow in our homes. We can choose not to watch movies that have the lustful sex scenes. We can chose what we read in front of our children and what we say.

4. Have a healthy and loving relationship with our spouse- We are teaching our children everyday how we should be should be treated in a loving, kind relationship. The way I allow my husband to treat me is teaching my girls what to expect and hope for in their own marriage someday. The way I show my love and take care of my husband is probably something my son will look for and hope for in a wife.

Sex is a wonderful thing to share with your partner and something you both should talk about openly with each other as well. This is sometimes a hard thing for some to talk about because of it being such a taboo subject while growing up. (Another reason I want my kids to feel like they can talk about it with us and future spouses) Sex is a way for couples to connect and feel close together. This is something both partners are on the same page with and are feeling like they are communicating about often that both are happy in that relationship.

Sex also is has the power to create life. This is another reason that it is so sacred because you have the possibility of bringing another human being into the world each time and it should not be taken lightly or without that commitment to each other.

This brings up the next subject of Fertility. If you and your spouse are physically able to have and conceive children you need to discuss and pray with your spouse and Heavenly Father in the decision in how many children to have and when. This is a very personal and private decision for many. We should not judge others if we feel they have too many or not enough. This is each families decision to make not yours and often you don't know all the reasons behind their successes or struggles to have children. Infertility is something that is becoming more and more common and something people are finally talking about as well. I have had a couple of sister-n-laws that have struggled to get pregnant and the last thing they need is someone's judgement for not expanding their family as quickly as others.
I tried to find funny pictures about this subject but that is a google search I don't ever want to do again! haha! So inside I am going to provide links to some of my favorite marriage and sexual intimacy in marriage talks....  HERE  and HERE

Working out marriage problems or deciding to divorce??

Marriage is hard. It takes a long of work. ALOT! Even when you are trying your hardest sometimes you come to a point where you are going to have to decide whether it is worth it to keep trying or to cut your losses. This is a hard decision for many to make not only because of the effect on their children but want to be sure they are doing the right thing. President Faust talks about a three part test for those trying to figure out if ending their marriage is justified.

Prolonged difficulties-
Is this a issue we have been working on without a resolution for a long period of time? Do I feel like this is something we can not over come? I am a making a hasty decision or has this something that we have sought council on and choosing a divorce is a though out decision.

Apparently irredeemable relationship-
Thinking honestly and sincerely, do you think the relationship unfix-able and no hope to redeem??

Destruction of human dignity-
Is the relationship deteriorated to the point it is effecting or destroying one or the another partners self esteem or self worth? Is there any abuse, mental or physically involved?

These are all things that you must consider when deciding whether to call it quits or not.
Ever wondered what the main reasons are for divorce....in a 2014 MSN article "The 8 Most Common Reasons for Divorce," found HERE it lists the top 8 problems:

1. Lack of commitment - which is weird cause that is kinda the whole concept of marriage right? They claim that 73 % of couples said the reason their marriage didn't work was because of this. 62% of exes said they wished that their spouses had worked harder to stay married. 35% of men and 21% of women said they wished they, themselves, had worked harder in the marriage.

2.Too much Arguing- When we are not putting our spouses needs are wants above our own we tend to be a little selfish I think.
56% of exes said this was the reason behind their split.

3.Infidelity- 55% listed this as the main reason for their problems. I think this would be one of the hardest things to come back from, personally.

4.Marrying too young- 46 % thought that age was a factor in their marriage problems. I would agree with this. I was married at 20. I think I was still too young and I had quite a bit of maturing to do. There were some hard growing pains because of my immaturity.

5.Unrealistic Expectations- I like this one too and identify with it also. 46 % said that these unrealistic expectations led to their divorce. It is important to know that you are both human and don't always change or if you do change it is not always for the better.

6. Lack of Equality- 44% felt like they were not treated equality and felt they carried more responsibility then the other partner and became fed up.

7.Lack of Preparation- 41 % of people did not feel prepared for what they were getting into when they got married.

8. Abuse- 29% of problems were stemmed from domestic violence. I would not stay either.

I think one of the most important things to remember is this...

As I was looking up conference talks that were about building a strong and unshakable marriage, I came across Elder L. Whitney Clayton's called"Marriage: Watch and Learn"  found
HERE. In his talk he talks about how much we can learn about marriage by watching others around us that have made it and are strong and faithful still in there golden years....He tells us to remember these things:
1. Cling to each other and leave others out of your marriage. Treat marriage as a precious jewel and do not take it for granted.
2. Have faith in the Heavenly Father and marriages build on the gospel teachings.
3.Repentance and Humility with each other- quickly right any wrong or hurt feelings.
4. Respect and Loyalty -treat each other as equal partners and be fiercely loyal to each other.
5.Love - love them unconditionally.